Some days when your just not feeling up to it, excited at the beginning of my lectures in the knowledge that I would be starting on a third album got my fingers tingling from another nights practice as I knew I got to try that new riff I’d been working on. As the lecture began on something about french music that I knew I’d be no part of (Well I’ll be studying and showing my third party perspective of musicians in the pit) all I could think about was the music I’d be making at exactly 2:00 PM that very day, 4 hours I thought to myself “I can do this!” but there was something that happened along the way that made me re – think everything.
As my lecturer was talking about “La Mer,” which is the original french “Somewhere, beyond the sea,” I thought to myself “I have 1 year and then I’m in the professional world, what am I going to do?” this question repeats itself over 500 million times disorientating me from everything in front of me as I’m now warped and 1000 miles away from the very room in this state of consciousness where I play different future scenarios of what I’ll be like in the future. Some of these scenarios of my vivid imagination give me comfort in the knowledge that my creativity and need for security will put me at ease in life where I’ll be financially safe and happy but then it came.
The scenarios of me not being happy and destroying everything that the world says I need such as money, job, relationships, children and family. This all happens in the space of what felt like 8 hours of solid imagination but was more 5 minutes to the rest of reality, these thoughts really sent me into a depressive state where I had to sit back and constantly chew on my fingers to come back to earth and realize that I’m fine but am I?
As the lecture continues to around 1:50 that excitement of me playing ambient seems less magnificent and more bleak as the question “What can you see us doing in 10 years slips out of my mouth,” the lecturer thinks it over as he doesn’t know how to answer properly but then after 3/4 minutes of the class pushing him he decides to dish out his ideas based on stereotypes and his knowledge of who we are based on an accumulation of knowing the man for around 400+ hours. The room was buzzing at first and full of charisma but as he went round the room, the gleam from everyone’s eyes that hoped for the “Your gonna be famous,” was sorely misplaced as it’s very unlikely for any of us to “Make it.” I’ll blog about that disgusting term in the future but here’s what he had say for me “I can see you definitely teaching, maybe sticking to what some of the others had of still playing in bands to keep the energy there but yeah, you have that certain need for security in which I can definitely see you teaching.” This actually made me happy for the first 5 minutes but then it came to me, his answers for everyone where still very musically entailed, I began to question to myself “Maybe it’s a white lie, we’ll probably be happy and realize our potential if we put our minds to it but the percentage of us really fighting this struggle we’re all so enthusiastic to fall into is extremely low.”
Just a thought, well…. many but this is my first attempt at a very opinionated blog about my future in music and i feel is very relevant to my work as it hints at what I feel is an ambition. I’m glad I found somewhere to actually share this so I really thank you if you bothered to read it.
P.s – I linked Brian Eno’s music to the film “Lovely Bones,” awesome stuff and I was listening to it the whole time I wrote the post, en-captured my thought process at the time.